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A year ago, today.

I resigned, a year ago, today.

A quick sms and I ended what I started, grew, developed, nourished and loved.

Sure there were second thoughts, but I could never be more convinced or committed to carve a brand new old me, elsewhere.

But firsts, Selamat Hari Raya Aidiladha to all my Muslim brothers and sisters! Wishing you and family a blessed day filled with fun, food and joy.

So I tendered my resignation from the office where I poured my blood, sweat and tears since circa mid-2007, a ponderous move I’ve contemplated and deliberated on countless heavy occasions before but never seriously pulling the trigger until I was finally triggered myself.

Case in point: I should have exited earlier if only to cut my losses and maximise my potential to tap into an open market, and rebuild myself from the ground up.

Instead, my losses gained momentum, the market cornered me up, and the struggles to grow a nascent company in an ageing industry gets close to home: and one fine day, together with my beloved Sister, Supercyan Pte Ltd was born — with the generous aid of an outside partner looking in.

Oh, the struggles? They got really close to home, and it’s uncomfortable, it’s eating my skin and the worst part is that it’s affecting the loved ones around me more than myself.

And strangely that gives me hope — fuel for my fight, food for my soul, fever for my dreams.

Seeds have been sown, and we’re readying ourselves for war.

For a better world, one print at a time.

The Fireside Gathering

Gamersaurus Rex, the name of the venue that played host to me, Farid and Hamzah’s first ever (Blizzard’s) Hearthstone’s (HS) Fireside gathering!

Fresh from a 2-2 soccer game in the morning at Saint Wilfred, a quick shower at the office and a mad dash to Upper Thomson, I managed to squeeze my name as one of the registrant for Gamersaurus’ 9th Fireside Gathering, a free event for fervent HS enthusiasts.

Bringing along my Aggro Paladin, Patron Warrior and Tempo Mage decks, I was confident that I could perform well but knew that I could never match up to the upper echelon decks with powerful cards, but I knew I had to give it a try.

While my first match-up developed promisingly, with my opponent in tatters, a stroke of luck flashed for him and he rode it to victory — in HS we call it RNG, and there’s truly nothing you can do to fight it.

Sometimes RNG just screws you, and you take it on the chin and move on to the next game, which I did half-thinking that I’m probably never gonna win any games, due to my inexperience.

But lo and behold, I got paired with a young lady by the nick of Improbable and went on to clinch my first win, nervously and via a few lucky strokes as she fumbled and stumbled and made numerous mistakes in-game.

And that was truly the highlight of the day — meeting a fair young lady, and gaining my first ever victory in a HS Fireside Gathering!

The day soon unfolded, proving that I lacked the mental strength to last 6 rounds, as both me and hamzah ended the day with bad headaches — from viewing on small screen for so long!

Still, what an experience and what a day it was!

What truly matters, is what you believe in.

 

With great power comes great responsibility.

Truly, I am fully not a boss, and I certainly don’t know what it feels like to be giving away my money to my staff, if I had any money.

Maybe the altruistic nature in me isn’t cut out to be the top boss that I aspire to be, and by boss, I mean a figure at the workplace that is respected and followed with authority via respect, and not just fear.

Again, I have never asked to be given this role nor to partake a position with these responsibilities of mine, but somehow I am entrusted to lead and develop my charges dutifuly — and that equates to giving them ample opportunity to grow.

But for any entity to grow, there have to be a sense of achievement or reward at the end of the rainbow, and it just feels good whenever my team is rewarded reasonably.

Of course, different people have different perceptions of reasonable, and lately I’ve discovered that mine differs a lot by my big boss– where I aim to remunerate my staff appropriately, he prefers to squeeze as much as possible, so that the ‘boss’ will always retain that authority, else you set precedence of a lost government at the workplace.

When people start making demands, or ransom, the boss loses athority. Or does he?

Actually, I beg to differ. In my case, I believe in everything being justified accordingly and that everyone has ample opportunity to be rewarded as they delivered.

Hais, maybe that’s why I’m still not ‘there’ yet as a big boss, because I’m just too nice and champion my people more so than ever.

Nevertheless, in my eyes, it’s the delivery at the end of the day that matters — and this is what I believe in, and after more than a decade, I think things aren’t that bad after all.

Could be better indeed, but still not so bad lar.

Sometimes you try and try and try.

When you’ve tried to talk. To reason. To explain. To inquisition. To understand. To know. To care. To love. To give. To commit. To devote.

At some point you will realise that you have done too much for someone, that the only next possible step to do is to stop.

Leave them alone.

Walk away.

It’s not like you’re giving up, and it’s not that you shouldn’t try.

It’s just that you have to draw the line of determination from desperation.

What is truly yours will eventually be yours, and what is not, no matter how hard you try, will never be.

Walk away knowing that you’ve tried, because sometimes the best thing that you can do is to let them go.

No matter how much your heart wants to stay, no matter how painful it’s going to get, and no matter how easy it is to slip back into each other.

Be strong. Do what’s best for others. Yet again.

The Future Of Us

The Future Of Us

I rarely celebrate my birthdays and don’t expectantly look forward nor really revel to it, except for my best celebrated day ever when Iris whisked me in a whirlwind back in the memorable and lovable Jan 2012! Of Orchard road! Of Sentosa! & Of Songs of the Sea! But times have lapsed, and though I never imagined it to be like this, I respect her decisions. I desperately needed us to stay as we were, but if it’s God’s will, then it’s God’s will. Your happiness is all that matters to me.

Even if the price was mine.

I suppose I’ve always been that bigger man, in a lot of situations — but not in the grandiose kind, but the generally speaking kind. The kind that a daily situation usually demands of, such as the calling for a leadership figure to rise to the occasion. Whether it’s at the office, at home, or in a neutral event, I’ve always been looked upon to be that level-headed and thinking fella that will always provide the listening ear, the shoulder to cry on and magically come up with the decisions and everyone will feel better. And that happens usually, that everyone feels better.

Even if the price was mine.

These burdens took its toll eventually where I realised that at most times I’ve not been taking care of the right things in a relationship — as I tend to see bigger pictures and root solutions instead of the critical tiny details and the most important thing: the heartbeat. I don’t know what God has in his plans for me, for you, or for us, but I’ll gladly gulp down these bitterest of bitterest pills just so that everyone around us can live and breathe again.

What’s in store in the future of us? Only time will tell..

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So I really enjoyed my birthday session this year! Something to truly cherish, as I found out what was in store in ‘The Future of Us’ – that exhibition at Gardens By The Bay (aka ‘GBTB’)! So it was spent there instead with my doting and affable lil Sis! Well, she’s not lil anymore, but in my eyes, she still is! Can’t be too overprotective, can I?

I booked tickets (FREE!) from home for the exhibition, because firstly, I have no idea what this exhibition is all about and would like to find out, secondly, it’s free, and thirdly, I finally get to bring Sis out!

But it rained. Whilst on our journey, I had to detour by making a ‘pit-stop’ at Tiong Bahru estate, shortly after entering CTE from AYE.

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We were slightly drenched, but our spirits were high flying (or maybe just me? lol), as we waited patiently at a nearby kopitiam, drinking a can of coke, for the rain to subside. In our search for a good place to wait, we passed by a number of really interesting shops, which drew our imaginations. From antiquated floral boutiques to a quaint little printing shop, the passageway made you turn your head more than once as you walked on by.

As soon as the weather sobered up, we made a mad dash through town for GBTB, and thankfully it was nearly empty, save for a few classes of secondary school students and the staff onsite. We arrived much earlier than the exhibition’s designated timeslot, so we explored the garden’s Dragonfly lake, and couldn’t help but feel it’s stagnancy and weariness. It may look like a garden, but the overall ambience felt fabricated and strangely contriteful for a ‘world-class tourist attraction’. We didn’t enter the air-conditioned dome nor climbed the ‘supertrees’ so maybe that’s why our experience of the garden was muted, at best. Sure, the flowers were pretty and the canopies were aplenty, but overall the experience fell short and je ne sais qois~

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Thankfully, the Future Of Us exhibition kicked off shortly to end our much dreary afternoon, but as much as we were left delighted by the immersive dome silver-screen and fancy laser displays, the show felt like it wasn’t really meant for us working adult Singaporeans. Maybe for students and children more. The only good thing that I could take home with me out of this experience was this lengthy playground of swings, located just outside the exhibition hall as you exit it. Without needing any invitations, our inner child took over and we were soon swinging ourselves!

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But of course, the best part of the day was at VivoCity when Sis insisted that she got me a little present from Typo, even though I know that she’d have to dig deep, like really really really deep into her pockets to pay for the gift that I chose, because financially it hasn’t been kind lately. And it’s so touching, and lovely, and sweet, and beautiful of her to do that for me. She’d call me the annoying and irritating brother of hers, but I know that she cares and tries to take care of me too!

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So yeah, a wrench-pen! The most beautiful wrench/pen that one will ever receive.

So indeed, my birthdays have never been one that I look forward to as it’s a date that coincides with some of my greatest losses. Instead it’s a day that I reflect and chew upon as I ponder on what God has in store for me, my loved ones, my work and my friends.

Thankfully, despite the dampening rain, the dreary GBTB, and the increasingly notion that my birthday will be one not to be remembered, Sis threw a wrench into the works and reversed the day into a wonderful occasion, one that I will cherish for a very long time, because it’s up there with my best celebrated day ever!

Thank you, my dear Sis, and love ya much for spending time with this overly-pensive brother of yours. Oh, and I pray that you find your jodoh soon, because a beautiful person like you deserves a beautiful leader of the home, and also just so that you’ll stop entertaining me with these annoying requests of mine. InsyaAllah.

And what could one up my day thus far? My night of course! Especially when I returned to a pleasant surprise, seeing my baby cousin Irfan greeting me (totally unexpectedly!) and seeing the whole family dim the lights so that the burning candle on my cupcake could lit the darkened room. Like a lighthouse that guides the lost ship, this gesture reminded me that no matter what happens to you in life, there’s only one thing that matters: family.

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It mattered to me that they took the trouble to get the candle burning, getting the cupcake itself, fetching my lovely cousin irfan, and most of all, to wait till I came home at just before midnight to enjoy a mini celebration with me. Loving everyone to pieces already, and I pray that our future will continue to be told with stories like tonight!

A timely reminder to me: family comes first. Their happiness is utmost.

Even if the price was mine.

 

May peace be unto you.

I’m a pretty good listener — I’m sure some of my friends and colleagues will attest to that claim, but the ‘listen’ here is really more in relation to actions than words, because as the cliche goes, action speaks louder than words.

Wha, wait, how does one even ‘listen’ to an action?

Well, if you think of it as interpreting an amalgamation of gestures, words, intonations, body postures and of course, the all telling signs of a pair of eyes that are the surest giveaway of emotions whenever you’re in a conversation, then yes you can certainly listen to actions.

Yep, I read into actions a lot.

And so I got good at masking emotions too — a skill that I’ve honed for the past 33 years, and especially ever since late mum passed on — and maybe that’s why sometimes I behave like a noble gas of the periodic table, unreactive at room temperature.

It’s not that I’m guarded, introverted, or braindead or anything, but it’s more of a tendency to be calm and collected when emotions run high — so that I am able to think, and let my mouth spout calculated, calm words while my brain is desperately trying to digest chunks of data, where if it was a country, a state of emergency would’ve been voted for unconditionally.

Um, so it got voted for sooner than I’d like it to be.

This afternoon when big Boss HQ mentioned of leaving Stalwart to ourselves, due to the team’s inactions, a state of emergency was called for, but fortunately I had spent the full week working on our ‘secret’ project and incidentally knew what was needed to be said diplomatically, and curfew was averted.

That cruise missile was on my radar for a while but didn’t expect it to hit today.

And then tonight, when Iris finally ‘let loose’, it was the ballistic missile that you could see creeping in and out of the atmosphere, heading towards you while you stand in stupor, unsure of taking cover or running away.

After days of trying to communicate her thoughts to me, where me being me was frequently ‘out of office’, if you knew what I mean so…  a state of emergency was probably what woul’ve been called for tonight, but not of the bad kind, but more of the ‘hmmm this seriously needs some deep thinking and rendez-vous’ kind.

So I’m really happy that we talked of things past and things future and a little bit of things present, and while there’s still a lot more to talk of, I’m determined that this year, 2016, is the year where I’m going to give that little bit more focus into everything little and big things that I do, so I’m very prepared to listen.

I’ve been ‘listening’ for a long while now and I’m glad we had the little private talk, although I’m still a little unsure where we’re heading towards, ‘cos things are still a little blurry as they’re falling into place.

I can’t even remember the last occurrence of intermittent intimacies or late nights of endless giggles, but one thing for sure, I know that if Iris needs me, I will always be there for her.

Even in a curfew.

2016 has just arrived, but I’m hoping that my emotional quotient stays sane a little bit longer.

Happy new year and may peace be unto you.

Day 9 to 15 (Mon to Sun): The last leg

Time blurs away, ebbing profusely with every passing night, seemingly going both out of and into focus at the same time.

It’s strange really, when you reflect on days gone by, trying to string up the things you’ve done with the things you actually need to accomplish — a sort of a mismatch made in earnest, and it makes you want to believe that everything that has transpired is good work done.

Really, time flies, and so did my family, returning home on EK354 (Emirates) on a Sunday afternoon, and it was reassuring and calming to hear again from Sis and family coming back on their last leg after almost a week of no contact, which was surprising indeed, because Sis isn’t the type to scrimp on getting good wifi/network and forego little talks!

All those nights without news I know in my heart that all is well, and that they are preoccupied with something bigger, and that’s good enough for me to sleep on.

So everyone’s back, alhamdulilah, and it’s really good to see everyone back together again, ‘cos I really missed them all — but I’m sure they miss Medina and Mecca more than they’d miss me! *wink-wink*.

Day 0 (Sat): Umrah Sabatical, The send off.

Everyone except me went for their Umrah trip, and I just came back from sending them off at Terminal 1, an hour earlier where they took flight at 0120hrs with EK405 (Emirates).

Even bro and his 9 month pregnant wifey was there to grace the occasion and lend their precious time, as our family faded into the departure halls along with about 30 other participants from Jallaludin travel.

The send off was clean, peaceful and a little joyful too, fortunately.

I vividly recall my last trip to Umrah, circa 2004, as a homage to my late mum’s passing, as the opportunity to get closer to god presented itself, many many years ago.

Today, is Day 0 of their trip, as well as my solitary sabbatical, albeit at home — a much welcomed change of pace, as I’ll be aiming to complete tasks and achievements within the next 2 weeks.

Tonight, actually, is a challenge that I am looking forward to, one of many to come.

2 weeks.

Let’s see what I can accomplish eh?

Another John C Maxwell’s video on leadership? Lids? What lids?

Last night, I occupied myself watching John C Maxwell’s videos again and particularly one kept me awake an hour — an hour long speech where he impromptus after finding out he’s going to be speaking to an awesome bunch of leaders from a certain company. (Youtube link here)

He titled his presentation “The rule of 5 for for lifting your leadership lid.”.

It’s about how you, as a leader, if you could rank your leadership capacity and based on that rank, the type of followers you’ll attract are the levels below which your leadership capacity is on — and in terms of an institution or a company, your followers are your business itself.

This means your organisation rises and falls on the level of your leadership.

So to build a better company or business, you’ll need to attract better people/customers by raising your leadership rank, or in this case your leadership lid.

John’s 5 rule to lift your leadership lid, by employing them EVERYDAY, are:
1) Lead Yourself — Lead by example. People do what people see.
2) Add value to people — Value your people. Don’t discount anyone.
3) Study leadership — Never stop learning about leadership.
4) Practice Leadership — Empower and teach others to lead others. Train more leaders.
5) Grow intentionally — Employ yourself to be in an environment where you can grow as a leader.

Harvest these 5 rules every single day, and John says that you’ll be able to raise your leadership lid.

IMHO, he’s basically repackaging the mantra of teaching yourself discipline and intentionally moulding yourselves into a successful leader.

Hmmm, I wonder what rank my lid is on?