A quick sms and I ended what I started, grew, developed, nourished and loved.
Sure there were second thoughts, but I could never be more convinced or committed to carve a brand new old me, elsewhere.
But firsts, Selamat Hari Raya Aidiladha to all my Muslim brothers and sisters! Wishing you and family a blessed day filled with fun, food and joy.
So I tendered my resignation from the office where I poured my blood, sweat and tears since circa mid-2007, a ponderous move I’ve contemplated and deliberated on countless heavy occasions before but never seriously pulling the trigger until I was finally triggered myself.
Case in point: I should have exited earlier if only to cut my losses and maximise my potential to tap into an open market, and rebuild myself from the ground up.
Instead, my losses gained momentum, the market cornered me up, and the struggles to grow a nascent company in an ageing industry gets close to home: and one fine day, together with my beloved Sister, Supercyan Pte Ltd (wordplay: SuperSaiyan) was born — much thanks to a very generous contribution of an outside partner looking in.
But, oh the struggles! They got really close to home, and it’s uncomfortable, it’s eating my skin and the worst part is that it’s affecting the loved ones around me more than myself.
And strangely that gives me hope — fuel for my drive, food for my soul, fever for my dreams.
Seeds have been sown, and we’re readying ourselves for war.
Over the years, there have been occasions where I’ve metamorphosed into persons (or personas) via an organic naturally occuring manner, induced from the situations that I’ve been placed in, such as the passing of your beloved parent, the adaptation of a new job role or even as simple as the act of falling head over heels in love.
Nevertheless, I managed to scantily grow along the way and am thoroughly grateful as well as fortunate that these developments have carried me forward into territories where I otherwise could never have imagined I’ll be in.
From an ambitiously carefree Bpian to a holistic Graphic Designer, to an aspiring Manager, there has truly only been a constant singularity throughout — perserverence.
Friends and families on the outside will only get to view the me that’s mildly successful, the overly cheerful and one that’s able to tackle anything, anywhere and solve things. Only a few will get the chance to take a peek into the deeper layers of my life, the one that’s full of struggles, inconsistencies, fears and tears.
Lately, I’ve had the fortunate opportunity of creating something new — and I love creating and developing new things. This is something that I believe I truly excel at, and have thoroughly enjoyed working and spending my days.
And as September 2016 creeps closer towards October 2016, it is now time to realise that I am nearing a crescendo of hard work, of pain and struggles as well as immense pleasures.
As it is now, It’s nigh time for me to reinvent myself and my future.
Gamersaurus Rex, the name of the venue that played host to me, Farid and Hamzah’s first ever (Blizzard’s) Hearthstone’s (HS) Fireside gathering!
Fresh from a 2-2 soccer game in the morning at Saint Wilfred, a quick shower at the office and a mad dash to Upper Thomson, I managed to squeeze my name as one of the registrant for Gamersaurus’ 9th Fireside Gathering, a free event for fervent HS enthusiasts.
Bringing along my Aggro Paladin, Patron Warrior and Tempo Mage decks, I was confident that I could perform well but knew that I could never match up to the upper echelon decks with powerful cards, but I knew I had to give it a try.
While my first match-up developed promisingly, with my opponent in tatters, a stroke of luck flashed for him and he rode it to victory — in HS we call it RNG, and there’s truly nothing you can do to fight it.
Sometimes RNG just screws you, and you take it on the chin and move on to the next game, which I did half-thinking that I’m probably never gonna win any games, due to my inexperience.
But lo and behold, I got paired with a young lady by the nick of Improbable and went on to clinch my first win, nervously and via a few lucky strokes as she fumbled and stumbled and made numerous mistakes in-game.
And that was truly the highlight of the day — meeting a fair young lady, and gaining my first ever victory in a HS Fireside Gathering!
The day soon unfolded, proving that I lacked the mental strength to last 6 rounds, as both me and hamzah ended the day with bad headaches — from viewing on small screen for so long!
Truly, I am fully not a boss, and I certainly don’t know what it feels like to be giving away my money to my staff, if I had any money.
Maybe the altruistic nature in me isn’t cut out to be the top boss that I aspire to be, and by boss, I mean a figure at the workplace that is respected and followed with authority via respect, and not just fear.
Again, I have never asked to be given this role nor to partake a position with these responsibilities of mine, but somehow I am entrusted to lead and develop my charges dutifuly — and that equates to giving them ample opportunity to grow.
But for any entity to grow, there have to be a sense of achievement or reward at the end of the rainbow, and it just feels good whenever my team is rewarded reasonably.
Of course, different people have different perceptions of reasonable, and lately I’ve discovered that mine differs a lot by my big boss– where I aim to remunerate my staff appropriately, he prefers to squeeze as much as possible, so that the ‘boss’ will always retain that authority, else you set precedence of a lost government at the workplace.
When people start making demands, or ransom, the boss loses athority. Or does he?
Actually, I beg to differ. In my case, I believe in everything being justified accordingly and that everyone has ample opportunity to be rewarded as they delivered.
Hais, maybe that’s why I’m still not ‘there’ yet as a big boss, because I’m just too nice and champion my people more so than ever.
Nevertheless, in my eyes, it’s the delivery at the end of the day that matters — and this is what I believe in, and after more than a decade, I think things aren’t that bad after all.
I rarely celebrate my birthdays and don’t expectantly look forward nor really revel to it, except for my best celebrated day ever when Iris whisked me in a whirlwind back in the memorable and lovable Jan 2012! Of Orchard road! Of Sentosa! & Of Songs of the Sea! But times have lapsed, and though I never imagined it to be like this, I respect her decisions. I desperately needed us to stay as we were, but if it’s God’s will, then it’s God’s will. Your happiness is all that matters to me.
Even if the price was mine.
I suppose I’ve always been that bigger man, in a lot of situations — but not in the grandiose kind, but the generally speaking kind. The kind that a daily situation usually demands of, such as the calling for a leadership figure to rise to the occasion. Whether it’s at the office, at home, or in a neutral event, I’ve always been looked upon to be that level-headed and thinking fella that will always provide the listening ear, the shoulder to cry on and magically come up with the decisions and everyone will feel better. And that happens usually, that everyone feels better.
Even if the price was mine.
These burdens took its toll eventually where I realised that at most times I’ve not been taking care of the right things in a relationship — as I tend to see bigger pictures and root solutions instead of the critical tiny details and the most important thing: the heartbeat. I don’t know what God has in his plans for me, for you, or for us, but I’ll gladly gulp down these bitterest of bitterest pills just so that everyone around us can live and breathe again.
What’s in store in the future of us? Only time will tell..
So I really enjoyed my birthday session this year! Something to truly cherish, as I found out what was in store in ‘The Future of Us’ – that exhibition at Gardens By The Bay (aka ‘GBTB’)! So it was spent there instead with my doting and affable lil Sis! Well, she’s not lil anymore, but in my eyes, she still is! Can’t be too overprotective, can I?
I booked tickets (FREE!) from home for the exhibition, because firstly, I have no idea what this exhibition is all about and would like to find out, secondly, it’s free, and thirdly, I finally get to bring Sis out!
But it rained. Whilst on our journey, I had to detour by making a ‘pit-stop’ at Tiong Bahru estate, shortly after entering CTE from AYE.
We were slightly drenched, but our spirits were high flying (or maybe just me? lol), as we waited patiently at a nearby kopitiam, drinking a can of coke, for the rain to subside. In our search for a good place to wait, we passed by a number of really interesting shops, which drew our imaginations. From antiquated floral boutiques to a quaint little printing shop, the passageway made you turn your head more than once as you walked on by.
As soon as the weather sobered up, we made a mad dash through town for GBTB, and thankfully it was nearly empty, save for a few classes of secondary school students and the staff onsite. We arrived much earlier than the exhibition’s designated timeslot, so we explored the garden’s Dragonfly lake, and couldn’t help but feel it’s stagnancy and weariness. It may look like a garden, but the overall ambience felt fabricated and strangely contriteful for a ‘world-class tourist attraction’. We didn’t enter the air-conditioned dome nor climbed the ‘supertrees’ so maybe that’s why our experience of the garden was muted, at best. Sure, the flowers were pretty and the canopies were aplenty, but overall the experience fell short and je ne sais qois~
Thankfully, the Future Of Us exhibition kicked off shortly to end our much dreary afternoon, but as much as we were left delighted by the immersive dome silver-screen and fancy laser displays, the show felt like it wasn’t really meant for us working adult Singaporeans. Maybe for students and children more. The only good thing that I could take home with me out of this experience was this lengthy playground of swings, located just outside the exhibition hall as you exit it. Without needing any invitations, our inner child took over and we were soon swinging ourselves!
But of course, the best part of the day was at VivoCity when Sis insisted that she got me a little present from Typo, even though I know that she’d have to dig deep, like really really really deep into her pockets to pay for the gift that I chose, because financially it hasn’t been kind lately. And it’s so touching, and lovely, and sweet, and beautiful of her to do that for me. She’d call me the annoying and irritating brother of hers, but I know that she cares and tries to take care of me too!
So yeah, a wrench-pen! The most beautiful wrench/pen that one will ever receive.
So indeed, my birthdays have never been one that I look forward to as it’s a date that coincides with some of my greatest losses. Instead it’s a day that I reflect and chew upon as I ponder on what God has in store for me, my loved ones, my work and my friends.
Thankfully, despite the dampening rain, the dreary GBTB, and the increasingly notion that my birthday will be one not to be remembered, Sis threw a wrench into the works and reversed the day into a wonderful occasion, one that I will cherish for a very long time, because it’s up there with my best celebrated day ever!
Thank you, my dear Sis, and love ya much for spending time with this overly-pensive brother of yours. Oh, and I pray that you find your jodoh soon, because a beautiful person like you deserves a beautiful leader of the home, and also just so that you’ll stop entertaining me with these annoying requests of mine. InsyaAllah.
And what could one up my day thus far? My night of course! Especially when I returned to a pleasant surprise, seeing my baby cousin Irfan greeting me (totally unexpectedly!) and seeing the whole family dim the lights so that the burning candle on my cupcake could lit the darkened room. Like a lighthouse that guides the lost ship, this gesture reminded me that no matter what happens to you in life, there’s only one thing that matters: family.
It mattered to me that they took the trouble to get the candle burning, getting the cupcake itself, fetching my lovely cousin irfan, and most of all, to wait till I came home at just before midnight to enjoy a mini celebration with me. Loving everyone to pieces already, and I pray that our future will continue to be told with stories like tonight!
A timely reminder to me: family comes first. Their happiness is utmost.
Chandelier wasn’t a flash in the pan, and she’s certainly no one-trick pony.
Maddie Ziegler, that little girl you see performing along to her songs in MVs, is another talent too.
Then there is the consistent and inextinguishable Shia LaBeouf, whom together with these two girls, gave birth to this delectable monster:
“I’ve got thick skin and an elastic heart.” Sia croons, as the emptiness in you slowly dissipates and you feel yourself coming back gradually, gathering courage and what-nots from the depths of your inner-most fears.
“But your blade it might’ve been too sharp.” And as the strength creeps in, you feel vulnerable. Your knees weak, arms heavy, yet you shrug off the exhaustion, and dive head-first. You stubbornly try again.
“I’m like a rubber band until you pull too hard.” You keep thinking why? You keep wondering when? You never doubt your nerves of steel, but you realise you’re only human.
“Yeah I may snap and I move fast. But you won’t see me fall apart. Cause I’ve got an elastic heart.”Life won’t be easy, but it goes on.
I’m a pretty good listener — I’m sure some of my friends and colleagues will attest to that claim, but the ‘listen’ here is really more in relation to actions than words, because as the cliche goes, action speaks louder than words.
Wha, wait, how does one even ‘listen’ to an action?
Well, if you think of it as interpreting an amalgamation of gestures, words, intonations, body postures and of course, the all telling signs of a pair of eyes that are the surest giveaway of emotions whenever you’re in a conversation, then yes you can certainly listen to actions.
Yep, I read into actions a lot.
And so I got good at masking emotions too — a skill that I’ve honed for the past 33 years, and especially ever since late mum passed on — and maybe that’s why sometimes I behave like a noble gas of the periodic table, unreactive at room temperature.
It’s not that I’m guarded, introverted, or braindead or anything, but it’s more of a tendency to be calm and collected when emotions run high — so that I am able to think, and let my mouth spout calculated, calm words while my brain is desperately trying to digest chunks of data, where if it was a country, a state of emergency would’ve been voted for unconditionally.
Um, so it got voted for sooner than I’d like it to be.
This afternoon when big Boss HQ mentioned of leaving Stalwart to ourselves, due to the team’s inactions, a state of emergency was called for, but fortunately I had spent the full week working on our ‘secret’ project and incidentally knew what was needed to be said diplomatically, and curfew was averted.
That cruise missile was on my radar for a while but didn’t expect it to hit today.
And then tonight, when Iris finally ‘let loose’, it was the ballistic missile that you could see creeping in and out of the atmosphere, heading towards you while you stand in stupor, unsure of taking cover or running away.
After days of trying to communicate her thoughts to me, where me being me was frequently ‘out of office’, if you knew what I mean so… a state of emergency was probably what woul’ve been called for tonight, but not of the bad kind, but more of the ‘hmmm this seriously needs some deep thinking and rendez-vous’ kind.
So I’m really happy that we talked of things past and things future and a little bit of things present, and while there’s still a lot more to talk of, I’m determined that this year, 2016, is the year where I’m going to give that little bit more focus into everything little and big things that I do, so I’m very prepared to listen.
I’ve been ‘listening’ for a long while now and I’m glad we had the little private talk, although I’m still a little unsure where we’re heading towards, ‘cos things are still a little blurry as they’re falling into place.
I can’t even remember the last occurrence of intermittent intimacies or late nights of endless giggles, but one thing for sure, I know that if Iris needs me, I will always be there for her.
Even in a curfew.
2016 has just arrived, but I’m hoping that my emotional quotient stays sane a little bit longer.
Time blurs away, ebbing profusely with every passing night, seemingly going both out of and into focus at the same time.
It’s strange really, when you reflect on days gone by, trying to string up the things you’ve done with the things you actually need to accomplish — a sort of a mismatch made in earnest, and it makes you want to believe that everything that has transpired is good work done.
Really, time flies, and so did my family, returning home on EK354 (Emirates) on a Sunday afternoon, and it was reassuring and calming to hear again from Sis and family coming back on their last leg after almost a week of no contact, which was surprising indeed, because Sis isn’t the type to scrimp on getting good wifi/network and forego little talks!
All those nights without news I know in my heart that all is well, and that they are preoccupied with something bigger, and that’s good enough for me to sleep on.
So everyone’s back, alhamdulilah, and it’s really good to see everyone back together again, ‘cos I really missed them all — but I’m sure they miss Medina and Mecca more than they’d miss me! *wink-wink*.
It was the weekends, what do you expect — once a gamer, always a gamer — and it was only natural~
Sure, I had things that I needed to do, personal admin stuffs and I left it all to the eleventh hour (Monday morning!) to complete.
So I was off for the weekends from work, and I spent it all on Gaming, Soccer and more Gaming!
Mind you, not the casino gaming kind, but the Hearthstone, Magic:The Gathering and Clash of Clan kind!
But first, soccer on Sunday morning, where surprisingly I lasted the whole 90 mins, scoring yet another goal (1 this week, 1 last week), despite sleeping only at 5.30am for 3 good hours of rest.
Why 5.30am? Because me and my Magic buddy playtested the Modern (Magic) format from 7pm till 3am from the night before, while watching Chelsea thrashed Sunderland and Newcastle drawing their games, which is probably the longest period I’ve ever expended playing Magic.
Oh my, the Magic games were intense and furious as my Zombie deck and my buddy’s ‘fair’ decks traded blows, all in the name of practice because we were practising for the upcoming Modern Championships and the events coming up the next day.
Guess what happens when next day came? Yep, we skipped all events and stayed home to do our things instead — me, playing soccer and gaming — so much for the anticipation of those events huh?
I still managed to do my household chores over the weekends. Cleaned the rooms, swept the house, did the laundry, wiped the tables and cleared all thrash. So proud of myself now. *beaming*
But the emptiness that laid bare at every spick and span couldn’t escape me, reminding me that my family are facing sterner challenges on their Umrah trip, than any whines or complaints that I can come up with.
And while I’ve been messaging Sis every now and then, my heart yearns to hear more stories from them.
Indeed it gets lonely once in a while, but I’ve been coping really well by being really busy and I’ve been really, really busy.
Work, Magic, Hearthstone, Stalwart Empire, Stickerdojo, APC, Barneys FC and housechores and I find myself stretching myself to the wee hours every single day, trying to accomplish one of these things.
Next weekend will be a much welcomed weekend as I have decided to ‘clear leave’ starting from Christmas, 25th Dec and will be back at the office only on 2nd Jan.
Now that’s 8 days of rest unlike any that I’ve experienced before, and the only think I fear coming out of it is an extended procrastination of my things to do.