It was as if he knew what was going on inside my head, when all of a sudden he gave me a congratulatory/reassuring hug and at the same time stressing how important I am to the company. Knowing J as he is, I know that he’s the ‘commando’ worker who will do anything to get things done. I don’t doubt his sincerity, but at the same time this showcase is barely scratching the surface.
Lately I’ve been, as put by Bangau, jaded at work. Wll I guess it’s true. It has become… work these days. Don’t get me wrong, I love to work but there’s a different air about it for the past months and it’s an air that I’ve struggled to get away from, especially from my earlier company. When this new company started out, it wasn’t work.. it was… a labour of love. Indeed it’s true that people change intentions when it comes to ka-ching-ching!
Yes, the company we began is now very profitable and, may I say it, successful too. For almost a year I’ve taken a backseat, letting the chief boss and J run things around. 2 years ago, J barely had the confidence to meet a client and now I guess it’s the other way round. He’s improved tremendously and I think big boss notices it and even though I don’t get any credit for it, I’m happy for J. He does thank me in private for everything that I’ve taught him, and he realises how vital my presence is, but unfortunately big boss doesn’t see the backend work and regular inputs that I’ve done, and am still doing.
Granted big boss spends most of the time liaising with our clients and tending to production, and not knowing anything about computer stuffs or sales and customer support, which I silently spearhead, his judgement is prone to be biased. When the 3 of us first started out, there were weight in my opinions but not anymore. I get the feeling that him, being the sole director of the company, wishes it to stay that way – but I’ll still remember the day he roped me into the partnership. Dear Internet, at this time please note how important black and white is. Never underestimate it’s value in business. Like NEVER.
Anyway, I’m not so hard done by the fact that I’m not getting any director fees or any recognisable titles, cos I don’t really care about these much. But what I do care for is if my baby, my labour of love is being directed in a way which, simply put, isn’t going the way as we planned it in it’s infancy and I do not have the means of changing anything. In fact, the frust that builds up within me is a consequence of company directions that got decided by big boss and J, but without me. In fact, J regular consults with me before he discusses with big boss, but that’s as far as how much my involvement in company directions has evolved, or dissolved into.
Imagine you’re a baker and someone asked you to bake a cake, and not just a cake but your very special cake, and the first time you did it, you chose the ingredients together, and then somehow over time, you’re no longer within the ingredients buying/deciding stage. Fluctuations in raw materials cost have caused a lot of purchasing differences. You simply bake, and when that happens, do you still need to stay as a baker? Sure, you’ll know which ingredients work, and might silently change it if the wrong ones are given, but for how long can you work that way? How long?
So why is this a big concern for me? Simply because I cannot bring my design/sales team to cope with the workload that I foresee coming with the manpower/resources that I have at hand. Big boss and J don’t feel the strain that I do because they’re busy with production and support. In fact, the workload’s been super crazy for the past month and yet our reaction time has been really slow.
Which comes back to why did the younger J gave me a hug. You see, a heated debate with an old client’s new art director led to J to give me a hug, mentioning at the same time how important it is that I continue staying here. J understands my situation and when he sees me, probably for the first time ever that I’m ‘breaking’, in that debate with the new art director, he shared with me his thoughts.
Actually both these men are good men. They may not be a computer genius or speak fluent English but they are good hardworking people. I respect them and that’s why I joined the partnership 2 years ago. They’ve not lost my respect still and they’ve not hindered my work processes in any way but its just the niggling management part that’s biting pieces of me away. Like a river grinding away at a meander, something inside me is begging me incessantly.
Fact: I love running a business. I’m hooked on it. Working sucks. Big time.
An oxbow lake is forming. This meandering can’t go on forever. I gave myself 3 months to make a decision.
And that was 1 month ago.